“My soul is from elsewhere, I am sure of that, and I intend to end up there.”
I have always struggled to be fully content and aware in the present. If depression is an inability to leave the past behind and anxiety is an all-consuming concern with the future, then being fully present in the moment must not hold such pitfalls – ok, I buy that. I believe that the happiest people are those who are able to be fully present and alive in any given moment without too much regret for the past or anxiety about the future. I am struggling though. Now more than ever.
My mind seems to be an ever-buzzing swirl of thoughts, to-do lists, schedules, and concerns:
Fundraising goal? Registration. Participants. Noooooo work tomorrow. EMAIL. email email email email. EMAIL. Crap that’s due tomorrow. No funding. That didn’t go as planned. Plan B. Not accepted. Reroute. Absence policy. Individual giving. Insurance. EMAIL. Lecture = boring. How many conference calls can I squeeze into one night? Grant Application. Write that down, you’ll forget!! Family? Hmm. Friends? Hmm. Need sleep. successful fundraiser? Kickstarter video. When’s the meeting? EMAIL. We need to plan that. Coffee please!? Can I delegate that? Don’t slip on the ice. New music. Vaccines. EMAIL. Gah my voicemail box is full. When did we wire money? Next skype call? that agenda should have been made 2 hours ago. EMAIL.
You get the picture.
This is not something necessarily new or different – it’s not like I became an obsessive overachiever overnight or just popped out of the shower one day going, you know? I think I need to feel more responsible for my own success. It’s ingrained in me, and I’m not complaining. Not really. It’s who I am.
However, this whole “your life is about to get way more exciting” thing is really killing me. Now in addition to my own stream of consciousness there are distant lands beckoning, lessons waiting to be learned, people waiting to be met, and I don’t want to wait!! How am I supposed to focus on the here and now when all I want to do is get on a plane? It’s like Rumi said, I feel my soul is from elsewhere, but I don’t to just end up there, I want to be there now!
Patience isn’t my best quality, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to miss out on life now, being to busy looking past it.